Hi, My Name Is John and I'm a YouTube Addict. (Hi, John).

I may have discussed this in a previous post, but this time I want to zero in on my addiction.

It's not as serious as heroin or cocaine to be sure.  Nonetheless, it impinges on my ability to work on my scripts, take time to exercise, and to finish the most menial of tasks.

I'm talking about social media.  Public enemy number meh.

When I was working a normal nine to five,  I was fidgeting with my smart phone to check out any news on Facebook.  If I wanted to do something extraordinary, I would add a YouTube clip in the FB post to show how clever I was.  Sometimes I would go to a meme generator, find an image, add text, and post it either on FB, Twitter (hereafter known as Shitter) and Instagram.  Here are some examples:

Ha, Ha.

Ha ha ha.

I thought I was a genius for putting together these bon mots.  It helped pass the time and break up the monotony at work.

The problem was, when I got home I was still at it.

Clips, memes, gifs, more of the same.  Even when I was not doing it to relieve the stressors at work, I was doing it to relieve the stressors of being human.

Susan would require my help, and would have to ask FIVE TIMES before I heard her and got off my ass.

I felt my fingers twitch when I got of bed, showered, shaved, and brushed and flossed my teeth.  At the the dining table, I had my smartphone propped up like an old fashioned portable TV set.  I ate food without any thought as to how it showed up on the dinner table or who took the time to prepare breakfast.  When I got aboard the overpacked bus to work, I would lose myself in swapping texts with co-workers even as I regarded people who played Candy Crush or Angry Birds with withering contempt.

Hypocrisy in action, folks!

My language online became more abusive.  I saw my work as a diversion and an annoyance rather than the other way round.  I lived for FB, I pushed pens for money.  Which was more rewarding?  You'd think it would be the money, but--

In time, I left my nine to five.  Suze and I left the city altogether.  In our new home, we appreciated our meals more.  We improved our diet.  I began screenwriting classes to give my work a kick in the tuchus to keep going, and boy, did it help!  We didn't have our whole act together, but we were on our way to a new life.

I can't put an exact date on it, but when I took a break between screenwriting classes, I started watching YouTube videos.  You know how it works:  You watch one video, and then the algorithm recommends more videos touching on the same subject.  You delve deeper into the subject you're following.  Sometimes you find a channel where you take part in some schadenfreude on a particular subject.  You even follow some crackpot conspiracy theories.  You don't believe in those theories, but you find the rants so entertaining.

Eventually, I stopped doing my share of the chores, I stopped showering every day.  I stopped shaving.  I stopped writing - the very thing that motivated me from leaving the city for a new life.  I watched YouTube videos from the time Susan left for work until the time she came home.  I would balance my laptop on my belly and watch the videos while sprawled out on the sofa.  I'd doze off and the next thing I knew, ten videos had played in the time I was asleep.

It got even worse.  I would begin the day with the videos playing while I wore headphones to listen along.  I would bring my laptop to the dining room table to keep watching and listening to the videos even as my wife ate dinner.  She didn't say anything about it.  She didn't nag or plead with me.  Yet I could tell she was not happy with what I was doing.

Years ago, I read a novel by William S. Burroughs entitled Naked Lunch.  Burroughs described drug addiction as though you were chowing down on an unhealthy food day in, and day out.  You didn't care what you were devouring, you just wolfed it down.  Then, there is that moment when you look at what you have on the tip of your fork and realize what you've been putting inside yourself.  The titular naked lunch.

Well, it was that moment when I realized I was alienating my wife.  I wasn't even hugging her and saying goodbye to her before she left for work.  I had isolated myself in an audiovisual echo chamber of background noise and flashing images.

It was then I decided to take step one.  When Susan got home, I said, "I'm no longer going to bring the laptop to the dining table and wear my headphones to block you out.  I don't want you to think I no longer love you."

She hugged me for a long time.

I was as good as my world.  No more audiovisual isolation at the dining table.  In time, I took up the menial tasks that keep your body and mind busy.  Showering, shaving, brushing and flossing my teeth.  I made a promise that the only time I would open my laptop would be to write my script or my latest blog post.

The last thing is the toughest part.  I blog every day.  Twice if I can find the inspiration.  My script on the other hand, looks at me longingly, waiting to be finished.  I must have submitted that script to about twelve competitions at the least, always getting as far as the semifinals.  I would have phone conferences with agents and producers not to help me get an inside track to having my script sold, but rather to review and critique my scripts and give advice.  That costs an agreeable amount of money, but I felt I was putting more into the contests and seminars than I was getting out of them.  I took a moratorium on the work, but weeks became months and I would touch the script once or twice, making some progress but not enough.

So there was some backsliding.  I would watch one YouTube video after the other.  Sometimes I would cycle through the same three videos three times in one day.

It was around then that I began using my Calm app again.  Not to rush back into the fray, but to gradually find the energy and focus to get back to work.  So far, my daily cycle is meditation, breakfast, cleaning up, writing, run some errands, eat lunch, write some more, promise to go to the gym and then not following through, listen to a record or a CD, go outside for a walk, take a rest, and sometimes find myself with the laptop balanced on my belly watching YouTube videos.

When I get a good day's work done, I reward myself by going into town by bus and treating myself to a cappuccino.

I'm gradually piecing my life back together again.  My script still waits for me to return.  I'll get back to writing a page a day, or maybe two pages.

I told my therapist about my addiction some time ago.  She told me that I wasn't alone.  Social media addiction was a relatively new phenomenon, but it was widespread.  There are special therapy sessions for kids below the age of 13 to wean them away from smartphone and social media usage.

Sigh.

Hi, my name is John and I'm a social media addict.

*Hi, John.*

-JJB